After last night, I could never be a politician.
Quick, to the slutcave!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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