Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
