i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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