I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Can Purell be used as lube?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
