Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
