why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
