Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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