Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
