and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
