i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
