I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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