Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
