Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
