hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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