the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
