im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
