dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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