We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i believe in u and ur pee
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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