my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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