I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
