Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
