She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
