I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
