My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
you made out with another girl for some wings
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
