Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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