He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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