There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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