People with herpes should wear stickers.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't deserve a penis
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
