dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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