Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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