we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
