Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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