Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
