Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
