Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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