I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
