Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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