I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
