I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
