You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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