is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
