I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my sisters under your porch take her home
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
