You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
