the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
