You're so nebulous sometimes
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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