you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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