6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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