He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
i've created a new STD.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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