Already got asked if we're dating
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
