He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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