just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You are a genius and a whore.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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