Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
